Annalyn ranting on her life, and the possibility of Asperger's

I consider this past week a victory. I look forward to my visit with the psychologist to discuss testing for Asperger Syndrome.

I have always known I was different. I would much rather organize a set of information or categorize things in intricate detail rather than use my imagination and play with dolls as a child. I remember I was captivated with collecting those small plastic animals, and organizing them in different ways. I would put them in a line of favorite to least favorite, most/least colorful, height, width, animal type, you name it. I would retype entire animal encyclopedia pages of information in Microsoft Word in a very repetitive and precise way for hours on end, thoroughly amused . I even tried to type the entire dictionary in my alternate language I created. Even now, I do latch hook (one of my favorite pastimes besides drawing/writing/music), and am chuggin along on a project in which I have to tie tens of thousands of knots on a large canvas. I never wanted to "pretend", "play house", or any other make-believe environment not totally controlled by me with lots of the other girls. I would be much more likely to do something very rule-based, or all alone than imaginative and collaborative.

I was always different in grade school. I took 6-8th grade spelling words in 1st grade, rather than learning all of the simple words like "candy", "mother", or "crazy". I don't have any recollection of learning basic spelling tricks, it's like I've always had them. I scored way higher than average on state testing, one of the few things that challenged me. I wasn't always the student with the highest grades, simply because I didn't feel challenged with most of the school work, so I wouldn't really try my best. I loved the competition aspect of school, and the constant need to be the best I could be. I never learned basic studying skills, because I never had to study.

I obviously have quite a bit of social anxiety.  Once the cliques started to form, i began to withdraw. I wanted all of the people I called "friend" in kindergarten to stay friends with me, regardless of silly things like how you look, what sport you play, or what kinds of hobbies you have. I didn't really fit in seamlessly with any of the stereotyped "groups", so I would hover from group to group in search of some common ground. Subconsciously taking this difference of interests as rejection, I began to withdraw even further. I kept (and still have) one very very close best friend, a few nice friends who had remotely similar interests, and a huge pot of people falling into a category that I didn't relate to, or feel welcomed by. Close enough to know their name, but certainly not close enough to invite to a social event, or anything like that. I would go to parties and sit by myself just watching people talk, and be okay with it. Sure, I felt alone, but I'd rather feel alone that have to exhaust myself trying to come up with small talk that makes me irrationally nervous and frantic.

I really enjoy watching other people interact. I'm not good at knowing when to add to a conversation, so I would take myself to a large group setting where I didn't feel the need to contribute on a regular basis. I was perfectly content watching other people talk. I could laugh at their jokes, hear the latest gossip, and develop a "strictly business" relationship with people, without having to have much in common with them personally. I remember writing page upon page upon page of songs, poems, and some basic philosophy to express myself. I could mimic the emotion of someone on paper without ever feeling that way. I recall writing a first-person poem about being a girl whose father died in a war. I, at that point, had never lost anyone close to me. I didn't know what it felt like, but I could imply how it must feel, and the pen met paper. I read it at a poetry reading, and got a perfect score. Perhaps they thought this was a story of my life. I certainly looked distraught, what with my quivering voice and my hands and knees shaking so bad behind that podium you'd think there was an earthquake.

I am also very numb to many feelings lots of teenage girls have. I don't get emotional about most things. In most categories I simply do not care which way the wind blows, so long as each way's outcome has the same positive or negative effect. The only time I really cry is when someone/thing dies or I am in excruciating pain. I'm good at masking my feelings in a passive way. If you say something that offends me, I almost certainly will not question you about it. If someone cut in front of me in line, I wouldn't say anything to them. I am good at shutting out frivolous annoyances, and seeing how purposeless lots of society is. When you ask someone "Hello! How are you?", how many times do you truly care what they say? How many times would you be willing to stay there and honestly listen to how they are doing? Whenever asked a small talk question like this, I almost certainly will say the quickest, easiest answer to get me out of the situation, regardless on the truth behind the statement.

In summary, I have always known I think differently than those around me. Perhaps that's why the solipsistic theories fascinated me so much. Though I certainly doubt this conclusion is accurate, it certainly described the way I felt at most times in my life. So with this blog post I hope to let you know that I am different, and I am proud of it. Though not tested, I am pretty sure I have this syndrome. I also want to let you know that I apologize if I ever made you feel awkward, because that is certainly not my intention. I am not mentally handicapped, just rewired differently than most people.